What is Mr T's favourite yoghurt? A petit filous.

What floats on water and goes quick? A S.african duck

Did you hear about the Jewish kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane into his brothers scrap yard

What's yellow and hides in Afghanistan? The talibanana


What kind of monkey can fly? A Hot Air Baboon



How do you fit 5 donkeys in a fire engine? Two in the front, two in the back, and one on top going "Hee Haw Hee Haw Hee Haw"



My mate was killed in a terrible accident at a petrol station.



I fill up every time I pass.



Police are trying to estimate the number of victims who fell foul to the sandpaper serial killer. They say he killed 20 people, roughly.



How do you spot Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.



I saw a bloke in the supermarket the other day who reminded me of Michael Jackson.



He said to me, "Don't forget Michael Jackson"…



Bloke at work today tried to convince me that he wrote 'Stand and Deliver'.



I told him he was talking sh*t but he was adamant.



A friend of mine had an accident at work when he fell into an upholstery machine.



He's ok now though, he's fully recovered



What's worse than a cardboard box?  Paper tits



How do Mexicans keep warm?



They use Chicken fajitas.



When i was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head



Yes… life was tough in the gateau…



What's ET short for?



He's got wee legs





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Ive got a knife chat up lines feel free to come up with your own!

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Can I buy you a drink?"

"Ok"

"Barman, can I have a pint of water and a knife please. Get your coat."

–

"Do you like jewelery?"

"Yes!"

"Suck this. It's a knife."

–

"Have you got mirrors in your knickers?

'Cos I can see myself in 'em tonight.

Because I've got a knife."

–

"Quick, call 999!"

"Let me guess…because I've stolen your heart?"

"No, because i've got a knife."

–

"Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir? J'ai un couteau."

–

"That's a nice dress – it would look great on my bedroom floor. Next to

my knife."

–

"Are your feet tired? 'Cos you've been running through my mind all day.

Also because I chased you with my knife."

–

"Somebody had better call God cos' he's missing an angel. Call the

police too, I have a knife."

–

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Or will I have to show you my

knife?"

–

"There are 206 bones in the human body. How about one more? Or a knife?"

–

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a knife, walk towards the

door. Now."

–

"If you looked into a mirror holding a dozen red roses….you would see

the thirteen most beautiful things in the world. Also, me behind you

with a knife."

–

"Excuse me, but would you like to dance?"

"No."

"I'm sorry, you misheard me. I said that I've got a knife in my pants."

–



"I feel like Richard Gere – standing next to the Pretty Woman. Also, I

feel like Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee. I've got a ****ing huge

knife."

–

"Can you give me directions to your heart? I seem to have lost myself in

your eyes. And also in case I have to use this knife."

–

"Excuse me, but did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"

"No"

"Good. I hope I don't have to ask you the same question again, but about

being stabbed by this knife. Walk towards the door."

–

"If I had a twelve inch penis would you come home with me?"

"No."

"Oh well, good job I have a twelve inch knife as well."