Paxton buys Liverpool

It was announced last night after Liverpool’s stunning win against Arsenal
that Hollywood C-lister Bill Paxton has been successful in his bid to buy
Liverpool FC from current American owners Gillette & Hicks.

At a press conference after the game, Bill Paxton had this to say:

“Hi, I’m Bill Paxton. I am delighted to have bought Liverpool. I have been
a long-time fan, ever since I heard of them two weeks ago.”

Paxton, star of such films as Twister and Aliens, allayed fears of
Liverpool fans about the safety of the position of Rafael Benitez.

“We don’t know what we’re saying to each other, but we have a mutual
understanding.”

Benitez added: “I am very pleased to see Bill Paxton take over as
chairman of Liverpool. I am a very big fan of all his movies, especially
Independence Day”.

Paxton intervened: “That was Bill Pullman. I’m Bill Paxton”.

Long time collaborator, Meg Ryan had this to say: “Hi, I’m Holly Hunt. I’m
so glad to hear Bill has found something else to occupy his interest. He’s
been moping so much lately. The roles just haven’t been coming for him,
with young scoundrels like Orlando Bloom and Harrison Ford getting all the
meaty parts. I think Bill would’ve been great as Legolas in the Lord of
the Rings films.”

Already, Paxton is planning changes at Liverpool, starting with changing
their name to “Liverpool Tornadoes”, an homage to his most successful film,
and to make the team more marketable in his native United States. He has
also suggested a re-design of Liverpool’s new Stanley Park stadium to
resemble William Shatner’s girdle. “Bill Shatter is such a hero of mine.
He’s one of the greatest actors Canada has ever produced, and I would like
to make this my tribute to him”.